True but thats because hes a fetus.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
