I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
