Where did you get a picture of my penis
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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