I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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