oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
