I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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