hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
