i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
