you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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