Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
