just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
