you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
