it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
