Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
