I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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