when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
