Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My feet surprised me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
