I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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