I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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