when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
NoShamevember. You game?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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