You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
no you cant smoke seaweed
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The uberlube is also flammable
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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