this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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