Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize
