I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
