Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
