you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
