On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I would fuck him just for his dog
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