We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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