I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
