If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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