I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
