went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Vodka?
Forever.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize