remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
