My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
