is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
