Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize