ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Come see our sink grown plant.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Randomize
