he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
