We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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