It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
