wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize