I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
