party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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