It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
