As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm passing your future prison.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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