nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
