I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
