omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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