the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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