I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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