What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
