Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
