I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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