atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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