thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
