Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
