11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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