Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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