I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
