you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
