I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
