I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Randomize
