Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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