I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
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