Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
