Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
